Friday, July 15, 2011

I have decided that as a public service to all of the people who read this blog (all three of you) I will give you my simple rules of life. These are in no particular order.

1. Accept the fact that people are lazy. We're all guilty of it at some point or another. If given two choices, some people, maybe not all of the time, will take the path that presents the least resistance. Therefore, if you assume that people are inherently stupid, and will make stupid decisions 70% of the time they are faced with a challenge, it makes living your own life that much easier, because you've prepared yourself, as opposed to saying "I cant believe he did that to me!"*

2. Dont take yourself so seriously all of the time. I am talking to you- the guy I see everyday in Starbucks in your pretty suit, ordering your cafe mocha latte half skim whatever, with your copy of "The Journal" tucked under your arm, while you blather incessantly into your bluetooth ear piece, about something that sounds so utterly boring that I want to grab a plastic knife and stab myself in the throat. Order a man's drink - Coffee, black. And then take that stupid ear thing off because you look like an asshat

3. No one should be saying the words "Grande or Venti" when ordering beverages at Starbucks. It sounds stupid. Make sure you tell the "Barista" - aka the guy making $10 an hour to brew coffee but let's give him a really fancy title so that it appears he/ she is doing something that the the pimply faced 17 year old working at Wawa does for half as much money- that you want a tall, medium or large.**

4. It's just a job

5. Go outside

6. Take the backroads if you are stuck in traffic. It might take you just as long to get your destination, but at least you wont be sitting in traffic

7. People who are dooshy dont know that they are dooshy. I have seen this time and time again.***

8. There's no rule that states that I have to like everybody that I encounter in my life. Just because you think someone is a nice guy doesnt mean that I have to think the same way. He's probably an asshole. Trust me.

9. Attractive women avoid sitting next to me at all costs on the train. Instead, rule #9 states that fat/ obese people must make every attempt to sit next to me, at all costs

10. Drive it like you stole it

11. Use a turn signal. How hard is it to use a turn signal? It's a simple flick of the wrist.

12. Some things in life are a privilege, not a right.

13. Give me eight hard hours of work everyday, and I will excuse the small mistakes.

14. Engineering is tough biz, and if your right out of school, expect to do some really shitty stuff in your first job. It's like engineering boot camp. Get used to it. The guy you're working for served his time in the trenches, now it's your turn to climb through a dirty nasty mechanical room counting valves

15. I am my biggest fan.

16. The glass is always half full

17. It is what it is

18. Yell at your kids when they are acting like little asshats in public. Everyone will respect you more for it. There's a reason why more and more restaurants are banning small kids - it's because you cant control your offspring

I have more I just cant think of them and I am now officially bored with this post

* I get alot of flack for this one because people think that I have a defeatist attitude. Wrong. Take my word for it
** I dont want to hear any feedback from anyone about how I am being as asshole to the hard working people at Starbucks. I respect anyone who busts their ass as much as the people who work in those stores do, but "barista?" For real?
*** Am I dooshy? Someone please tell me because I could be violating my own rule

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