Tuesday, May 15, 2012

There is no bonus points for knocking the timer down when you enter the chute

Stay with me cos I am going all over the place on this one...

"There are no bonus points for knocking the timer down when you enter the chute"

That's what I tell runners before I start a race. I learned my lesson the hard way. Tim used to beat on me for standing too far forward in the finishing chute. You see, most 5ker's will make some sort of all out, give it the gas, Carl Lewis type sprint in the last couple of meters of a race. For all you non-engineering folks (aka subhumans, aka the lower class), Force is the measure of the mass of an object multiplied by the acceleration of that body. So, if you take a 250lb runner who decides to hit the gas in the last 20 meters, that's a lot of force heading in a straight line...

.. Right towards me. Try stopping on a dime after a full sprint. Hence, we make a 40' finishing chute. I liken it to a fighter jet landing on an aircraft carrier - those big planes just dont come to a complete stop. They use arresting hooks and nets to make the plane slow from 150 miles per hour to a dead stop. So, for purposes of this example, I am the arresting cable. I sometimes have to catch the runners at the end of the chute so I can yank their bib tag. Most times, however, I am a stationary object who is about to make contact with a large body of mass that's heading straight for me, and that large body of mass is thinking about a lot of things in a very small amount of time and none of those thoughts include slowing down or stopping. Rather, it's the opposite: how fast can I cover this small distance between me and the finish line? What makes this situation even more fun is that the body of mass is usually sweating profusely, covered in a film of their own sweat, snot, spittle and grime.

But I love every minute of it.

 I think I have narrowed down my ailment to the following conditions:

Irritable Bowel Syndrome
Gas (duh)
Acid Reflex
Chicken Pox
Fractured Rib
Strained ab
Small pox
The German Measles
Athletes Foot

Isnt he the cutest? I will call him Lil' Frankie

I am not so positive that some of the suggestions were from reputable sources, although I cant say that I am not ruling out the whole "alien host" idea. I hear those aliens are sneaky lil' b@stards.

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