Friday, January 3, 2014

I am your Daddy


I have a man love food crush on Fig Newtons. Sometimes, at night, when I am lying in bed with my kitty cat, I can hear them whispering to me. They are my Achilles Tendon.

Fig Newton: "Frank, I am a delicious baked snack made with processed 'fruit' filling. Come down and enjoy me with a tall glass of wholesome milk. DO IT NOW BITCH."

How many people do you know can honestly admit to the fact that a baked good calls them awful words in the middle of the night? Yes, I am a slave to the blessed goodness that is The Fig Newton.

And f*ck those Fat Free Fig Newtons. Go big or go home with the real shits.

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