I have a man love food crush on Fig Newtons. Sometimes, at night, when I am lying in bed with my kitty cat, I can hear them whispering to me. They are my Achilles Tendon.
Fig Newton: "Frank, I am a delicious baked snack made with processed 'fruit' filling. Come down and enjoy me with a tall glass of wholesome milk. DO IT NOW BITCH."
How many people do you know can honestly admit to the fact that a baked good calls them awful words in the middle of the night? Yes, I am a slave to the blessed goodness that is The Fig Newton.
And f*ck those Fat Free Fig Newtons. Go big or go home with the real shits.